I have this notion of a mate. A mate, that is, as in ‘hand fasted’, as in ‘married to’, as in ‘cherished life companion’. A mate as in ‘the co-parent of my children’ and ‘the one that shares my life’. That kind of mate.
Changes in the past
Fifty or sixty years ago, many religious leaders panicked. The 1960s with the Summer of Love, Woodstock and its rampant, public sexuality and nudity and drug use, and perhaps even worse than the sexuality, the openly practiced promiscuity. In a way, these community and religious leaders were fighting a losing battle, as fashion ads and a fickle media came to titillate and entice Americans to buy, to be ‘modern’ in their mores and attitudes. The rock and roll of the 1950s and 1960s brought sex and promiscuity into the homes. Playboy magazine became an accepted national publication, not just a hidden book of smut (they had been around for centuries).
Add in Women’s Liberation. What I recall of the Women’s Lib beginnings is tainted (I was never a woman, to my knowledge). But the greatest outrage was that many crafts, professions, and trades were considered ‘men only’. The mostly Christian culture at the time held pretty close to the Biblical teachings of ‘Man is the head of the house; woman is the wife and keeper of the home and raiser of the children.” Back 20 years before, America like most of Europe had sent many of its young men, and many not so young, to fight in World War II, and drew women into the factories and other work positions to enable the war effort. Most men were out of the country at the time, so they never saw what that meant to the home, with Mom off at work – until they returned. After the war, as the armies were disbanded and soldiers returned home, their notions of family and home were dreams of what they had known before leaving.
Which left a certain amount of tension smoldering. Advertisers pushing cosmetics and an ‘urban’ and ‘sophisticated’ image – and lucrative market – created a demand for appliances, for cosmetics, for a life lived in the public eye, with life values played out as if every woman were a movie star.
Today we look at Ma and Pa Kettle – revered comedy movie stars, in their day – and cannot imagine the lifestyle they portray. The snapshot they lampoon of life during the Great Depression was actually reasonably affluent for the time. They had secure shelter, food, their clothes were not new but in fair condition.
Contrast that with one of the transition series, The Dick Van Dyke Show, with Mary Tyler Moore. This set and life still defined woman as “wife” – the working craftsman Rose Marie was single, to avoid crossing that particular barrier. But the furniture, the clothes, and fashions – these were all very effective in pushing the advertised, marketed values of fashion and cosmetics into the average American home.
Somewhere in there, despite the “Summer of Love”, “Make Love Not War”, “Free Love” generation, the way a mate was chosen saw a bit of change.
Instead of looking for a man of standing in the church and community, a man of good character and family (‘breeding’), instead what was important was good cash flow – expensive gifts or extravagant parties. Public drinking, alcohol and expensive foods on dates, dates without chaperones. These replaced any ‘old fashioned’ nonsense.
Fascination with movies and fashion elevated music, movie, and TV stars. Local guys learned to appeal to women as if they were dashing, and accomplished, and fun. Women began to use fashion to dress and act the part of seductress, as men learned to seduce – rather than to coldy examine a potential partner for being suitable as co-parent and life mate. Choices to marry began to be individual, and not guided by family and parents.
Today
We like to think that what we do today is eternal truth, and that we will be happy if we just do things a bit better.
The right lipstick, the right cologne, the right nekkid picture sent to the right guy, and we will get the attention of the one we will marry. We can read about how Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Or Women are from Venus, Men are Idiots). We can look on Facebook and count up the number of friends, the killer apps.
The Untold Story
A decade ago or so, the rise in teenage pregnancy rates became a national issue. One campaign focused on a half-baked ‘Just Say No’ simple abstinence plan. What occurred to me is that the problem was really, really basic.
When should you have sex?
You won’t like the answer I came up with.
You should have sex in a mated, shared-life relationship. With a mate chosen to be a desirable co-parent to your children and life mate.
And you should plan on raising children when you enter a shared life relationship. Thus, you should only be with the person(s) you have chosen for an adult role in your shared life.
The recreational sex part, the fashion and titillating sexy-as-cute-and-fun part? The reality is these stem from manipulating you for profit (by the fashion and cosmetics industry, and others out to exploit your body and your money). In my view, ItsAboutMakingBabies.com.
Confusion
What this means is that in the 50 to 80 years since the initial, Biblical definition of what it means to be a man and woman in a family way began to erode, we have had two or three generations now when the parents have lost touch with what it means to select a life mate, rather than shop for a cute fashion statement, or fun sex partner.
And America has lost the answer to the question – why should our children make babies? If we could teach them when, and why to make babies, then the rest should be much simpler.
When?
In December 2006 (New year’s eve!) I wrote about Family Values for Dating. No sex until your parents – or trusted friends – approve of the candidate on the basis of being a good co-parent and life mate. This still makes sense to me.
We have to realize, that when we couple-up, join our attention and time with another, we are actively participating in our community. As a couple we make different decisions that we did when single, and our community treats us differently as well. That first act of sex should be special, and intimate – but it isn’t a private, personal-only act like brushing our teeth. We should be assured that our prospect stands up to scrutiny, and that we have some family and community assent that he/she is a reasonable and appropriate choice. Not because we need permission, but because what we contemplate will have a noticeable and long lasting impact on our family and friends.
And we cannot make a reasoned choice for intimate companion, if we don’t have good ties with our parents, or at least a handful of trusted friends.