You find that wonderful person. How to you go about engaging with them in a way that guarantees a long and happy shared life?
You don’t.
Seth Godin points out that organizations that play it “safe”, that guard themselves against failure . . are so focused on failure, that they weed out all but a few possible choices. They make the “prospect” prove itself, overcome all doubts and obstacles, and ward against anyone looking bad. And so they plod along, seldom making what turns out to be a “wise” choice. The alternative?
Most companies launch new things, try out new initiatives, brainstorm new approaches. The internal response (or reaction) to these ventures is a cultural choice, one that often turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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On the other hand, an organization filled with people who are rewarded for shaking things up and generating game-changing products and services just might discover that outcomes they are dreaming of are in fact what happen. The enthusiasm that comes from believing that this one might just resonate with the market is precisely the ingredient that’s required to make something resonate.
One more thing: outsiders are way more likely to approach your organization with fabulous projects if they think they’re likely to both get a good reception and succeed when they get to market.
I might paraphrase Seth:
On the other hand, someone who enjoys taking a chance, on meeting and getting to know, socially, eligible and interested people, might discover that what they dream of, a satisfying shared life that lasts a lifetime, is what happens. The enthusiasm that comes from believing that this might just be the mate-prospect you yearn for is precisely the ingredient that’s required to make an interest flare into a deeply satisfying sharing.
One more thing: Prospects are way more likely to approach you if they think they’re likely to get both a good reception and if they think you are serious, too.
How do you set the stage to be enthusiastic and optimistic?
Well, perfumes. Perfumes can enhance your allure, can grab that special someone. Well, perfumes, colognes, scents, these appeal (or ward away) anyone with a nose, from Prince Charming to bullies and peverts. Sexually stimulating clothes (“daring”, “sexy”, “sleek”, etc.) appeal to anyone with eyes . . again, from Prince Charming to bullies and perverts. Cosmetics? Um, that gets back to crowd “appeal”.
It might surprise you to find that quality people, people of character, honor, people engaged in productive work in support of their family and community, don’t have a lot of respect for those trolling with makeup, with scents, with provocative clothes. They tend to value who you associate with, what you do, the respect for yourself and others in how you dress, groom yourself, address your work, and interact with friends and neighbors. This all contributes to “reputation”, which is part of your identity within your community.
Marriage, or whatever rite you use to take a mate, isn’t a personal affair so much as it is a community event. Mating re-defines your identity and your role in the community. To make that long-term relationship work, that marriage to last, it isn’t too soon to start living as if your reputation for character and respect matters to you.
Then comes the difficult part.
Because choosing to be friends with good people, necessarily means holding others at a distance. When you no longer “see” disrespectful people, or people that delight in damaging people and property and “getting away” with it, you can afford to trust and enjoy getting to know the good people in your community. When you find yourself getting close to someone that might be a partner, you can afford to take a chance. If it works out, then you are on your way to a shared life with a partner worthy of trust and respect. If it doesn’t work out, you had a chance to explore yourself as well as a partner.
If you cannot trust, if you cannot delight in getting to know a potential partner, then you aren’t ready for a relationship. You bring joy and character to a relationship to get even more; if you don’t have any to bring, you and your partner have a painful road ahead of you. It is better to heal, first, so that joy can blossom in the light of honor.